HEADLINE: Moore Replaces Team Bus with a Fleet of Flat-Bottom Boats: "If You Can't Noodle a Flathead, You Can't Catch a Pass!"
BUFFALO, NY — The Buffalo Sabres front office got a lot more "feral" today. New GM Mic Moore walked into the press conference wearing one work boot and a tactical mesh vest, smelling faintly of woodsmoke and wintergreen dip.
Moore, a man who speaks like he’s trying to solve a riddle that doesn't exist, sat down to explain his vision for the franchise—one rooted in the teachings of his Uncle Stumpy and the physics of a Louisiana swamp.
The Presser: A Sit-Down with Mic Moore
Reporter: Mic, welcome to Western New York. You’ve had a busy first 24 hours. Word is you’ve already altered the practice surface?
Mic Moore: "Praise God, man. Look, the ice was too... polite. It was 'city ice.' I grew up with a guy back in the parish—Two-Toed Greg—who used to practice his lateral movement on a frozen grease trap behind a Waffle House. That gravy-ice, man... it’s got a grit to it. It builds up them stabilizer muscles in your ankles so you can cut like a panicked squirrel. I had the boys out there today skatin' through a light layer of silt and breakfast drippings. It’s that Dark Arts energy, brother. Gang gang."
Reporter: You’ve been very vocal about "medication and hydration." Is that your primary medical philosophy?
Mic Moore: "It’s the only philosophy, brother. My Uncle Stumpy was in Nam, man—bless him—and he told me the only reason they didn't lose the whole jungle was because of 'The Two Pillars.' That’s a gallon of high-quality H2O and them 800mg Ibuprofens. I call 'em 'Vietnam Skittles.' You got a broken spirit? Take a Skittle. You got a hole in your leg? Change your socks and drink that hose water. Pain is just weakness leavin' the body, man. It’s like a little ghost of a loser scootin' out of your pores. You gotta stay wet to stay winnin'."
Reporter: How do you plan to improve the team's grit on the ice?
Mic Moore: "We’re goin' noodlin', man. I don't care about the weight room. You want real wrist strength? Shove your arm in a muddy hole and let a 40-pound catfish try to take your elbow off. That’s a battle, man. That’s a contract negotiation with nature. I told the boys, 'If you can wrestle a gator in a drainage pipe, a defenseman from Toronto ain't nothin' but a snack.' We’re gonna be the most hydrated, most medicated, most 'noodled-up' unit in the league. Now, does anyone know where I can get a decent plate of squirrel gravy in this town? I’m starvin'."
Mic Moore: "We’re gonna be the most hydrated, most medicated, most 'gravy-ready' unit in the league.
1/16/2026 - 461 words
