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2024 Salary Cap: $67.7M

Cobb Sauce: The Veteran Review

All Oldies, but still a few Goodies

This is Bob Cobb and though I typically report on the NY Rangers, I received word that I could earn a whopping $5 million to report on the entire league! As some of you may know, I've been known to do just about anything for even $50 (let alone $5), so this task was a no-brainer.

A lot of men fancy younger women and that's cool -- to each their own. Bob Cobb has a hankerin' for older men, specifically those who live within the world of the FHL Simulator. That being said, here's my review of the oldest players for each FNHL team (based on current rosters)~

Anaheim
7 Christian Ehrhoff D L OK 59 71 57 84 85 72 82 74 72 65 70 95 99 (77)
36 years old 2yrs @ $4,000,000
Notes from Cobb: Because he was added via an Inclusion Draft, Christian has only played 8 total FNHL seasons. He’s been a solid contributor for the Ducks over that time, playing for the franchise his entire career and only scoring less than 10 goals twice.

Winnipeg
3 Anterro Niitymaki G L OK 80 79 74 69 68 84 82 82 83 NA NA 99 99 (76)
36 years old 1yr @ $2,500,000
Notes from Cobb: Anterro is now on his 7th team and hasn’t had a ton of starting experience. However, he did win himself a Cup with Montreal and (arguably) has a pretty cool name.

Boston
84 Michael Funk D L OK 50 77 56 81 83 72 78 72 72 70 73 99 99 (77)
35 years old 2yrs @ $4,500,000
Notes from Cobb: Speaking of cool names, what’s up Funk?! Michael came into the league in 2007 as a 68 overall but he ended up having himself a solid FNHL career with 600 total points over just under 1300 games.

Buffalo
37 Scott Jackson D L OK 78 57 72 83 78 44 59 67 67 69 67 99 99 (74)
34 years old 1yr @ $1,850,000
Notes from Cobb: Speaking of lame names, what’s up Scotty? Mr. Jackson is a -41 over his career. As Outkast might say, “Sorry Miss Jackson…”

Calgary
73 Andy Rogers D L OK 78 71 71 87 78 71 69 80 79 87 78 99 99 (82)
35 years old 1yr @ $8,500,000
Notes from Cobb: This isn’t the “Mr. Rogers” from your childhood, folks. This Mr. Rogers hits and hits often. 4183 total hits since 2007.

Carolina
7 Tuukka Rask G L OK 88 89 83 97 96 91 77 75 76 NA NA 99 99 (81)
35 years old 2yrs @ $5,000,000
Notes from Cobb: He came into the league in 2008 and other than a brief stint with NJD (2011-2013), he’s been a Hurricane for life. I hate Tuukka Rask, mainly because the Rags rarely seem to score on the bastard.

Chicago
52 Valtteri Filppula C L OK 72 73 57 75 69 68 72 72 68 71 65 92 95 (74)
34 years old 2yrs @ $1,750,000
Notes from Cobb: He kicks some ass on Farm teams, but otherwise Filppula is mostly known for his frosted tips.

Colorado
38 James Wisniewski D R OK 83 66 77 72 65 45 65 69
68 69 66 94 97 (76)
36 years old 1yr @ $6,000,000
Notes from Cobb: James scored 13 goals during the 2019 season. He told me it was the best year of his entire life.

Columbus
10 David Booth RW L OK 56 78 67 73 60 71 74 71 72 68 73 83 80 (75)
34 years old 2yrs @ $2,500,000
Notes from Cobb: Another guy who has moved around a lot, David has played for 7 teams over his career. He’s also shown a penchant for scoring as he’s only 4 goals away from hitting 200 total.

Dallas
6 Jeff Finger D R OK 64 62 64 74 71 66 67 72 72 71 73 99 99 (75)
37 years old 1yr @ $3,300,000
Notes from Cobb: While it doesn’t make a ton of sense, Jeff is most proud of his -50 career plus/minus. When asked why, his response was “for how bad I actually am at this stupid game, it should easily be at least -300.”

Detroit
60 Gilbert Brule C R OK 53 80 63 84 80 76 80 86 82 77 78 99 99 (82)
34 years old 2yrs @ $7,750,000
Notes from Cobb: At 5’10” and 175lbs, you’d think Gilbert would have been abused enough to hang em up at this point. Still, he manages to keep coming back to Motor City to anchor their offense year after year.

Edmonton
22 Ron Hainsey D L OK 54 56 67 63 62 73 69 72 73 85 74 99 96 (75)
39 years old 1yr @ $6,858,000
Notes from Cobb: Ronny is on his 7th team and sports a tasty +144 plus/minus for his career. He’s not flashy, but he gets the job done.

Florida
15 Jiri Hudler C L OK 50 67 64 70 73 78 67 78 75 73 72 99 99 (75)
38 years old 2yrs @ $4,000,000
Notes from Cobb: Jiri started his career with Florida and it looks as though he may end it there as well. He’s had a handful of 30+ goal seasons and will always be remembered for his X-rated shower-room shenanigans.

NY Islanders
29 David Tremblay G L OK 75 79 79 83 71 82 77 75 76 NA NA 98 91 (75)
38 years old 1yr @ $5,000,000
Notes from Cobb: This looks to be David’s swan song after being with the Isles since 2009. He’s won quite a few games for them during that time, but alas, he might be in for a rough final season from the looks of it.

LA Kings
75 Sergei Kostitsyn RW L OK 53 81 63 94 95 76 82 77 78 73 78 97 93 (80)
31 years old 2yrs @ $6,000,000
Notes from Cobb: On top of having a super cool name, he’s scored 30+ goals in each of the past 5 seasons. Like a fkin boss.

Wild
85 Aaron Johnson D L OK 63 54 54 78 75 69 63 74 73 76 73 99 99 (74)
34 years old 2yrs @ $1,400,000
Notes from Cobb: The majority of his Pro games have been with the Jets. Regardless, he’s known for his flashy moves in practice. With his 54 speed, they don’t translate to the games but during a slow-paced scrimmage, watch the fk out!

Montreal
23 Eric Staal C L OK 61 71 62 72 68 68 71 77 74 78 72 99 89 (77)
39 years old 1yr @ $7,050,000
Notes from Cobb: Staal is a legend. He has more Cups than I have toes on my right foot.

Nashville
30 Nathan Horton C R OK 58 63 69 77 72 66 67 91 83 85 74 98 96 (81)
38 years old 1yr @ $7,600,000
Notes from Cobb: I hate that Horton plays for Nashville and honestly, you’d think GMs simply wouldn’t send beast-mode veterans to Harris anymore. Alas, that trend seems unlikely to ever end.

New Jersey
57 Maxim Lapierre RW R OK 55 78 66 74 65 64 79 78 75 64 72 98 96 (77)
38 years old 1yr @ $3,500,000
Notes from Cobb: Now that I look at Maxim and his ratings/contract, I might have to ask GM Erickson to reach out to GM Erb for a trade inquiry. It’ll never happen because our GM rarely makes deals anymore, but it’s worth a shot in the dark I suppose.

Ottawa
30 Jonas Hiller G R OK 82 83 80 91 85 87 79 81 84 NA NA 96 91 (80)
35 years old 1yr @ $4,200,000
Notes from Cobb: Jonas has some big shoes to fill after Peter Delmas put the Sens on his back for a few rounds of last year’s playoffs. Good luck repeating that, Mr. Hiller.

Philadelphia
60 Alex Bourret RW L OK 66 76 72 79 75 73 71 78 77 76 75 99 99 (80)
35 years old 1yr @ $7,000,000
Notes from Cobb: Despite scoring 348 career goals, Alex has never actually hit 30 goals in a single season. If this was a Western Conference team, we’d say we hope that he hits that 30-goal marker before retirement buuuuuuuuut, instead we’ll hope he gets something like 15-17 ginos.

Phoenix
6 Jeff Woywitka D L OK 72 62 74 82 74 66 72 78 77 75 76 95 91 (79)
35 years old 3yrs @ $7,500,000
Notes from Cobb: Jeff has played his ENTIRE career with Phoenix. Normally, that might be something special to behold. However, this seems to mostly be due to the fact that Phoenix just doesn’t make trades. Like ever.

Pittsburgh
10 Anton Babchuk D R OK 82 66 76 76 71 67 70 80 76 82 71 99 99 (82)
37 years old 2yrs @ $6,500,000
Notes from Cobb: 700 points and over 4800 hits for his career, Anton is definitely a beast. Despite being 37 years old, he still seems to have enough in the tank to be a top D-man for the next few seasons.

NY Rangers
19 Carey Price G L OK 89 93 80 91 87 80 88 89 88 NA NA 99 99 (86)
34 years old 3yrs @ $8,000,000
Notes from Cobb: Of course I’m a bit biased for the hometown guy, but I love me some Carey Price. Over the course of his career, only once has he had a GAA above 3.00 and that was back in 2014 with Dallas.

San Jose
2 Alvaro Montoya G L OK 89 88 81 84 78 78 80 80 81 NA NA 94 90 (81)
38 years old 1yr @ $8,500,000
Notes from Cobb: As the kids say these days, Alvaro is a “LLOHLL” -- Living Legend on his Last Legs. Still, those legs appear to have some juice left as he prepares to retire and hand the reins over to his young backup, Samuel Montembuetuelfjdldksfljsjdl. Whatever his stupid name is.

St. Louis
11 Matt Lashoff D L OK 82 66 72 82 77 58 65 77 75 79 73 99 99 (80)
35 years old 2yrs @ $8,000,000
Notes from Cobb: All stats aside, I hate Matt Lashoff. It’s just, it’s a long story.

Tampa Bay
29 Andrew Ladd LW L OK 78 67 85 81 79 65 75 76 76 72 76 95 93 (81)
34 years old 2yrs @ $7,500,000
Notes from Cobb: With over 300 goals in his career, Andrew has been a consistently solid player for Tampa Bay since he joined them in 2014.

Toronto
34 Lauri Tukonen LW R OK 65 67 70 85 80 66 83 77 77 69 77 99 99 (80)
35 years old 2yrs @ $6,000,000
Notes from Cobb: Lauri is on his 8th FNHL team and he’s still going strong. Interestingly enough, he was once a member of the Rangers but never played an actual game because dumbass GM Erickson traded him before he ever could!

Vancouver
25 Corey Perry RW L OK 73 72 73 88 89 57 69 80 77 77 75 99 90 (81)
33 years old 1yr @ $7,500,000
Notes from Cobb: While he may have started out as a 65 overall in 2013, Corey took quite the leap a few seasons into his career. He’s still going strong and has enough gas left in the tank to potentially raise the Cup a few times before retirement beckons.

Washington
19 David Backes C L OK 83 70 77 90 87 60 70 79 77 75 74 92 98 (81)
33 years old 3yrs @ $8,500,000
Notes from Cobb: Because he plays such a hard-nosed game, David’s career is likely over once his current 3 year deal expires. He’s hit the 30 goal marker 3 times during his career and Caps fans definitely hope to see him do it a few more times before he hangs em up.

Posted: Thursday, March 07, 2019

By: Anthony Erickson

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